everything is artificial
uppers, downers
wakers, sleepers
i’m in a pharmaceutical farmland
everything about me is chemically altered and schemed
balanced out to zero
nothing waivers from baseline
same shit, different day
wake, sleep, wake, sleep
your 20’s are when you realize
this is it
childish giggles and playground games
you were always there
never far enough away
when i skinned my knee
you said you felt it in your chest
you said you loved me
you fucking liar
everything is falling into place
at all the wrong times
and in all the wrong ways
and i am lost at sea
things are well, even though
i’m not eating
things are well, even though
you are not talking
things are well, even though
we are both smoking again
things are well, even though
the weightless, floating, trying to scratch ourselves
out of each others skin
things are well, even though
your dad died and i am
useless, defeated, hated
things are well, though
because we destroy what we love
so we must fucking love each other
the only thing that can
stop me from screaming tonight
is laying next to you
my hand on your chest
feeling you breathe and knowing
that you are still here
sometimes i’m sad that my hands are rough and scarred
instead of slender and graceful
sometimes i’m sad that my body is short and thick
instead of tiny and fragile and demure
but then i realize that i’d rather
be able to crush a mans skull between my thighs
than be thought of as feminine and beautiful
sleepily stoned next to you
whispering sweet nothing’s and promises
makes me wish it hasn’t taken me
so much time to find you
and even more time to decide on you
but i am here, now
that’s all that matters
it kills me to know that i was not the first
nor will i be the last
but i take solace in the fact that
i loved you the best
i am the one who can take you apart inch by inch, breath by breath, touch by touch
and i revel in building you back up from scratch, until we are new and raw and exposed
like we’ve never been before
i have seafoam in my veins and saltwater in my lungs
i am heavy, useless, weighing you down
and all i can do is feel
